It's The Final Countdown...

2am, Thursday morning.

As I sit in the quiet study room, surrounded by nothing but school books, I cannot help but lose focus. Has this semester really happened? If so, why has it gone so quickly? Will I ever be this happy again?

The answers are simple. Yes, this semester really happened. Time flies when you are having fun. And, even though I am leaving a happy place, it does not mean that I will not be happy again, it only means it will be a different kind of happiness.

Lately my blogs have been all about my adventures and how happy I am. I am sure it is getting old, but there are reasons to my writing. I don't know if I can say it enough, but this semester has been the best semester of my life. In 10 days... wait 9 now (ah)... I will be going home. My return scares me more than my departure from home back in January. Why? I should be excited to return home, I get to see my family and friends, I will be in my home country where they speak English. I am returning to my comfortable life, but why am I so scared that I have butterflies in my hollow stomach?

Most might not know this... but I was miserable back at Salisbury. I absolutely hated the place. Everything about Salisbury made me cringe. I seemed happy, but only a select few knew I was sad, not my normal self. I was unhappy for so long that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I tried making myself happy, but I was so overwhelmed with getting good grades, being an active member in my sorority, holding leadership roles in my sorority, and working a part-time job that I didn't really have time to figure out the reasons for my misery and how to fix it. After 2 years of constantly being busy can really ware someone out. I was slowly cracking at the seams.

3am

(Article from The Flyer, Salisbury Universities newspaper... hahaha)

While being here I have had ample amount of time to re-evaluate my life, I'm young so it didn't take long to figure things out. The things that I realized I was doing wrong:

• I was being too serious.
• I was too stressed.
• I didn't have enough "me" time.
• I didn't laugh enough.
• I didn't joke enough.
• I didn't stand-up for myself.
• I was a push-over.
• I was too nice.
• I was too OCD.
• I didn't share enough.
• I worked too hard, with no fun.
• I wasn't outside enough.
• I didn't really have a hobby.
• I compared myself with other people too frequently.
• I didn't live my own life.
• I cared too much what other people thought about me.
• I didn't dance enough.
• I didn't hangout with other people enough.
• I put others before me.
• I didn't realize all of these things sooner...

That is a serious list. How could one person be doing all of those things wrong?! I don't know, but somehow I managed to hit everything on that list at least once. While being abroad I have "worked" really hard on trying to change the way I had been previously living my life. I have not changed everything on that list completely, but some do not even apply to me anymore. I can now say that these are things that I have been doing right:

• Laughing way too much.
• Joking with everyone & graciously excepting jokes in return.
• Living life to its fullest.
• Not taking life too seriously.
• Taking the long way to class, just to walk around the city.
  
• Constantly surrounding myself with great friends.
• Saying "Yes." to every new adventure.
• Dancing like no one is watching.
• Standing up for myself with a little Sassyness.
• Embracing the slytherin within.
• Sharing everything without hesitation.
• Being more messy and less OCD.
• Having fun, but also working hard.
• Living my own life, without comparisons.
• Being grateful for what I have got.
• Appreciating life, family, friends and the opportunities that I have been given.
  
• Being thankful everyday for finally finding myself.

You cannot really "work" at doing these things, you just need to change your thinking, attitudes and outlook.

The butterflies in my stomach are not because I am nervous of flying, which I am not, or of seeing everyone again. They are constantly fluttering around because I am worried that everything that I have learned while being abroad will disappear as soon as I get settled back at home. I do not want to go back to how I was living my life before. How will I realize if I am going backwards, instead of going forwards? Who will be there to guide me? I do know, that I will stop blaming Salisbury for my sadness in the past, I take full blame. Next year, if it kills me... I will have the best senior year that any senior has ever had. This is one goal that I will accomplish. It is going to be an epic year.

My adventures in Europe are sadly over, but I still have the constant adventure of life which I can gladly say that I have never been so excited and nervous for.

4am

Time to be productive. Wish me luck!

Until next time...

☮